I can understand your apprehension. Posting on here for the first time is difficult for those still in. As an elder, your assessment of what might happen lest you be found out is correct. Please tread lightly when it comes to your concerns regarding the ORG. Many, even those you think might agree with you, are so captive that they may throw you under the bus,
I, for one, served for quite some time. I got to the point, like you, that I could no longer teach something I did not fully believe. In time, unfortunately, the disbelief became intolerance and now I literally become sick by the salesmanship of the ORG. I see through the veil and veneer.
As for your feelings, the reality I have seen in my case is...once you do not accept it, it all begins to unravel. Little things that you mentally covered over begin to peak through your subconscious and poke at you, sometimes incessantly. I feel for you and your situation. What you may begin to experience, if you are anything like many of the ex-elders on this forum, may well be a systematic breakdown of your belief system. Be patient. Be careful. Be resolved.
Kind Regards,
SOP